Wow. It was really one hell of a year. A really shitty one at that. I think this year was the first time I ever really felt… overwhelmed. Too many things going on, too many things I couldn’t handle.. I never blamed myself for it though. No matter how many failures came through the year, how many times I was pushed down, I never blamed myself too much for it. What I learned is the way you’re raised plays a huge part into who you become. I’ve seen that through many friends. I was always raised in a self-motivating sort of manner. How far I go depends on how much I push myself. I guess I really just lived the typical childhood and, although I would never regret it or change anything, that ended up harming my work ethic and therefore my path to a “regular successful future”… basically, I lack the work ethic to balance a lot of things, classes, clubs, etc. in high school which would eventually lead me to a great college and a great career and all that shit. When I learned, entering high school, all the things it would take to get into the school of my dreams, I started learning, striving, and working on the go and that was much harder than it may sound. I’m still learning even today. 100% of this blame can’t go on my parents, because I always have the ability to change myself. But I know if I was raised in a different manner, I would be much more successful today in the things I’ve done… I know there’s a lot of hidden potential, just lying there inside of me. That may be the worst part of it all. But not a day goes by where I would change my childhood, in respect to this topic. I’m proud of how I was raised, I’m proud of every experience I’ve been through, and I’m a believer. I believe that every experience one goes through has an impact on his or her life, whether it be positive or negative. And to be honest, we all need a little bit of both. And I’m fine with that.
Not all of it was bad though. This year, as a whole, I feel was a major success with my girlfriend, Shivani. I really talked to her a whole lot more this year than the previous year and ended up realizing why I’m here in the first place, why she’s such an integral part of my life, why my mind might be hung up on her more than it should be at times, why I fight for her, why I’m so happy every time I see her… all that shit you don’t wanna hear basically. We definitely had our shares of ups and downs… a lot more downs than I would have liked, regrettably. We went through definitely the hardest time we’ve encountered in our relationship, but she’s a gem, so we pushed through it.
One of the things I’ve learned from her though, was how much of a dick I was in her freshman year / my sophomore year. She lost a lot of people and I wasn’t there for her, at school, in text… nothing. I thought spending 20 minutes with her after school every day was good enough and that it was more vital that I balanced time with my friends and girlfriend than it was to preserve a faltering relationship. She expressed concern to me during that year but I was blind. I was such a fucking idiot. Something beautiful, one of the best things to cross my path in my life ever, was right in front of me… and I wasn’t there to grasp her. I learned that she was really attached to me that year, as I was to her (or so I thought at the time). But an entire school year changes a lot. She had to learn to detach herself, and not depend on me as much, because.. well, she couldn’t. And I don’t blame her for that at all, I don’t deserve her. I didn’t deserve her. No girl should be put through what I did. Sure, that sounds more dramatic than it should, but isolation hurts a lot more than you may think. Somehow, she decided to stick with my dumbass and we continued. We’ve only gotten stronger as the months have progressed but, ever since I learned the effect that year had on her, there’s not a day that goes by where I don’t wish I could change that year. I feel like it had a large and negative effect on us. She may lash out at me at the stupidest times, she may get irritated way too easily, but most of that tends to be some hidden backlash from my ignorance that year. And what can I do? Yell at her for it? I’m lucky she even has he heart to still be with me. Junior year was tough but I knew we’d talk more when summer started. I thought I’d be very occupied with all the movies and games I missed out on watching and playing during the school year but lately… I don’t know. I’m not finding much passion in either. Which is insane, since movies are one of my biggest passions, right next to football. And, coincidentally, I find myself lunging at the phone whenever her name pops up on the screen for a text. What is this? Why was I never like this before when she texted? Why is everything else feeling so bland? I love hanging out with my friends, which I’ve done quite a bit of since break started, but when I’m alone, I feel so… empty. Is it possible that now I’m the one getting attached? Yeah. It is. And wow, that just hit me tonight. And made me really believe, at least for a while, in the line:
Karma’s a bitch.
Maybe now it’s time to detach myself and find enjoyment in other things, just like she did. Although I’m aiming to do that by working on things that are important to me (starting to drive, working out, getting in shape), I can’t help but wonder… what would have happened if freshmen / sophomore year was different? And it fucking sucks, cause I know there’s nothing I can do to change that. If I gave her the attention she deserved from Day 1, we’d be a lot better than we are now. We’re great. But not as great as I know we could be. And that sucks. The first girl that actually fell in love with me too and stole my heart… and I screwed it up cause I was so blind. Such a small mistake, making such a significant difference. Funny how life works.
I’d go to the ends of the Earth for this girl. I really… REALLY care about her and I honestly do believe I’m in love with her. She was my first kiss and my first in many things. November 2, 2012, the first kiss. I’ll never forget that day. I never know what’s running through her head but I just hope, regardless of what I’ve done, she feels the same. And when I look at her… again, I’m just reminded of everything I’m with. With one look, she takes my heart all over again. Every time I see her. And I always wonder why she’s with a scrub like me. I mean, look at me. Look at her. She could do so much better. I literally feel like every guy is eyeing her every time we walk past, and I always wonder how many guys would be swarming for her eyes and her attention if we broke up. It reminds me that I have a gem, a prize, a treasure, someone truly special. Not for the looks, by any means, but for the person inside that all those other guys don’t know, that they don’t see. Shit, I hope this lasts a long time. But if it doesn’t, I won’t be able to stop myself from wondering… What if?
Other than that, everything is remaining pretty stagnant for me. My friends are still incredible, summer’s allowing a lot more time for me to hang out with them. Things are honestly chill, I’m getting a lot of sleep. But it just hasn’t been a great start to summer, with this new feeling of emptiness. I hope it fades soon cause it really sucks. And I now see what she had to deal with for 9 months or even more in a matter of weeks. If I can’t deal with this effectively now, how’d she deal with this for so long? Goes to show how amazing she is. I guess, really, my biggest fear is losing her or having another guy sweep her off her feet. If I did, why can’t somebody else?
Although this post wasn’t entirely about her and she may never see it, it’s been 20 months since that magical night at Homecoming, when we first came together. Here’s to many more Shivani, I love you <3
Wow, this is my first post in a LONG time, maybe I may start to use this again
I know when people think I’m talking too much or want me to just get to the point. I experience it at school and at home and everywhere. I notice a lot more than people think. And just by noticing that, I see all the flaws that I have.
Although we’ve had our ups and definitely our downs, we always seem to work through them and remember why we’re here in the first place. I know I haven’t been the best guy and that I’ve been a complete dumbass most of the time, but you’ve dealt with me regardless. Thanks for doing exactly that for 10 months @shhhivani , and no matter what anyone says, you’ve made my life better ever since you entered it. Happy 10 month, I love you and thanks for everything ❤ (at My Royal Palace)
"…….if my red eye……..don’t….. see you……..
Goodbye iPhone 4, and everything that was in it =(